Self Love & Body Image

Happy Tuesday friends!

In January I shared my tips on getting motivated and setting goals and now that it is May and the days of skimpy clothes and swimsuits loom over us, I thought I would talk about self love and body image. I want to share my experiences and journey in hopes that it will help or inspire at least one person.

Let's start at the beginning, back in elementary school. I was a tall girl, taller then most other girls my age, and I was chubby too, much bigger boned and fuller than other little girls. My mom used to let out the waistband on my leggings and skirts. I wasn't athletic, sports weren't really my thing, I had a big aversion to doing team sports and being in the spot light. As I got older I began to hate gym class and really felt uncomfortable participating in physical activities. Maybe at some level I began to see my body was different, I didn't enjoy being in shorts or changing into my gym clothes in front of the other girls. At one point in gym class a boy asked me, in front of other kids, if I was pregnant, me, a child, not more than 10 years old, really? Why would a child ask another child that question? That is my first memory that I have of being made to feel utterly worthless and ashamed. One of my friends told her mother what happened because that evening I was sat down by my mom and we discussed it and I don't remember words, just tears. That moment in time started the snowball that became my self hate and insecurities.

Next let's jump to high school. I'm chubby, I have braces, red hair, pale skin (for real?! Look at this hand I was dealt!) and I was only twelve when I went into the 8th grade because I have a December Birthday. This year was hard, new school, new classes, new people and life wasn't so kind to me. I didn't make a lot of friends, I stuck with the few I knew from elementary and tried to befriend the other quiet nice girls, but it was still really hard. Now comes the second moment in time where I was humiliated and embarassed. A group of girls sitting near my locker started asking me about my clothes, something from Sears or a department store because I wore ladie's sizes and not girl's sizes anymore, and one of the girls told me to go get some style. I have blocked out the other words but I specifically remember those ones. They say sticks and stones break bones but these words broke me. And so the snowball grew even larger.

I cannot tell you that there were no friends, no fun moments, no enjoyable days in high school, but if I had to sum it up as a whole it was the worst period in my life. Towards the end of grade 11 things started too feel too hard, too overwhelming, I didn't want to be in this body that people shamed and made fun of. I began to control what I ate, I started out small but the more I cut back on eating, the more empowered I felt. Finally, I had control of my life, when previously I had felt helpless. Soon it was summer and I was hanging out with some new friends from the school year who introduced me to other friends, including boys from another school. I was losing weight, feeling better about myself, boys were noticing me now and sadly this all reinforced my desire to control. 

Back to school for my final year and people are noticing my weight loss, making comments, either positive or negative. But I felt good, and it fueled my illness. I have never felt comfortable placing a label on my dieting, at first it was an extreme limitation of food but eventually it was an eating disorder, it was anorexia. I went from a tall and curvy 160 pounds to 115 in about a sixth month period. I bleached my red hair so it was blonde and I tanned my pale skin so it wasn't white anymore. All the while, this disease made me feel powerful and desirable.

After high school I started to drink and go to parties and the alcohol and late night fast food binges made me gain weight. I put on maybe 15 or 20 pounds and I looked healthier and my desire to diet wasn't so extreme anymore. I cannot say the exact moment I changed from having an eating disorder to being healthy again, but it was some time between high school ending and college beginning. 

In college I maintained a healthier weight, tried to exercise at the gym, ate as balanced as possible for a busy student by day and club goer by night. I drank too much, flirted too much and still had no self worth beyond the attention I received from some young guys at the bar who never even asked my name. 

At twenty I started in University and I met my now husband at my nightclub job. Prior to meeting him I had only casual encounters with men and I didn't have any positive relationships to create a foundation. Finally, I was with a man who loved and respected me and my body. At first I was shy about eating around him, undressing or even removing my makeup. I only felt beautiful with makeup and clothes on, because that is the validation I received in society. I began to slowly develop self confidence and as new lovers do we dined out a lot and stayed in bed a lot and not much else mattered! 

You may be thinking, where is this going, so it started out rough but she found her happy ever after at twenty? Wrong! I gained a lot of weight in that first year of our relationship and than I lost a lot of weight, again, after doing an extreme paid diet program called Dr. Bernstein. Although I have kept off most of that weight for the last seven years I still continue to go up and down at least twenty pounds every year or two. I constantly battle my weight and struggle with control. It is a journey and I have succeeded and failed many times, but I have never developed another eating disorder and I can say that I love myself enough to not harm my body in that way ever again. 

So, here I stand before you, holding my melting snowball and feeling as vulnerable as ever, but I feel proud. Proud to say at 32 I'm ok with my body, I love the person that I am, I like my red hair. I have curves, I have lumps, I have rolls and dimples and stuff that jiggles, but I am strong, healthy, smart and I am beautiful. I know my value and my worth but I still have a lot of progress to make on my self esteem and my body image. I still feel that little girl inside me squirm in discomfort when someone looks at me the wrong way or says something inappropriate. I still look at my body in the mirror and have a hard time loving what I see, but I have gotten to a place of liking and I can strive for love. I want every little girl and woman to know that the key to love is to love yourself. Only time and experience has gotten me to where I am today. I wouldn't be the person that I am had I not been broken at one time or another. You have to look within yourself and find your purpose and your worth and pick up all the broken pieces and keep moving forward. I hope that every parent can teach their child that every shape is beautiful and that even when words break us we can be whole again. I wish for a world where all women of every shape and size knew self love and knew she was beautiful. No one ever deserves to be made to feel ashamed or worthless by another human, but if we can teach our children young we can give them the skills to be confident enough to not let words break them.

In my final thoughts, I want to say that I have forgiven those who have hurt me and who figuratively threw the snowball into my hands. I release them from the pain they caused. Let's work together as women and build one another up, support one another and be kind to one another. We need to create a society that doesn't place such strong value on the female body and how it looks. Practice what I am working on, look in the mirror and learn to accept what you see and eventually love what you see. Sending hugs and kisses to anyone who has had a similar journey, if you would like to share please leave a comment or send me an email. 

Teal next time....xoxo Kathleen